The Six Most Ridiculous Things Goop is Selling This Week

 

 

Honestly, this list could have been much, much longer. But ultimately, here’s a sample of some of the most ridiculous products you can buy on goop right now. No amount of love for Shakespeare in Love will ever make us take this shit seriously. 

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1) Magic Spray that Will Make Your Kids Chill the F*ck Out

 
 
 
 

Are your children getting a little too rambunctious? (It’s probably from the gluten they accidentally ingested at their friend’s birthday party). Never fear—rather than sending them to their room or making them run off their energy outside, all you have to do is give a few spritzes of this spray, which is made from “sonically tuned gem elixirs” (?). Just try to ignore the feeling that you’re dealing with a dog at obedience school and let the magic do its work.

 

2) How to Make Positive Energy Water 

 
 
 
 

Stop. You’ve been drinking water wrong. You thought the best thing it could do was hydrate you and keep all of your vital organs functioning properly? Well think again. The water you’re drinking has BAD energy, and BAD energy makes the water…well..that part’s unclear. But you need to use this crystal to infuse your water with GOOD energy so that it…well…that part’s unclear too. But isn’t the crystal pretty?

 

3) Powdered (*checks notes*) Leeks?

 
 
 
 

It is unclear why, exactly, one needs to consume leeks so badly that they must be sprinkled on everything via a special powder. They’re…leeks. But apparently a dose of this powder will transform everything into "instant deliciousness," to which we reply, once again...they're leeks. 

 

4) ~That~ Infamous Egg , Quartz Version 

 
 
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In case you haven’t heard, Gwyneth is a big fan of shoving a jade egg into her lady parts to increase feminist sexual energy (??). It’s a practice that’s been debunked by countless medical professionals, but just ignore that part. Because now, you can broaden your horizons and stick “heart-activating rose quartz” up there too! 

 

5) Something That, We Swear to God, is Called "Psychic Vampire Repellant"

 
 
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Pithy sarcasm not even needed. Just read that name one more time. 

 

6) A Sleep Mask, but $200 

 
 
 
 

It is entirely unclear what makes this sleeping mask worth $200. Maybe it’s sewn with threads made from some almost extinct breed of cotton? Maybe it was once used by Gwyneth herself? Maybe we should stop making tote bags and start making eye masks instead?