The Top 10 Ways Marissa Ross Has Described Wine

 
 
 Marissa Ross. Credit:  @marissaaross

Marissa Ross. Credit: @marissaaross

How wine--a substance that's been around for thousands of years and is drunk by literally everybody--became so stuffy is something we'll never understand. But it's something that makes us appreciate Marissa Ross and her endlessly delightful wine reviews even more. Author, wine editor at Bon Appetit, and most importantly, inventor of the #RossTest (aka chugging wine straight from the bottle), Ross is a revolutionary force in the world of wine. Forget tannins and legs and (ugh) oakiness--you will never relate more to wine descriptions in your life. 

Because she writes about wine in a way that's completely unique, wholly entertaining, and also, frankly, just the best, we rounded up the top ten ways Marissa Ross has described wines: 
 

#10

"It smells like a late afternoon dance party on the couch in a cloud of cannabis, with sour cherry, yellow roses & orange rinds."
(On Method Sauvage Rorick Heritage Trousseau)
 

#9

"Smells like you're at the beach, and you're crushing handfuls of cranberries and grapefruits in your sea salty hands, and you juice it into a glass, and THEN it tastes like you just drank that glass."   
(On Louis-Antoine Luyt's "Pipeno" Rosé)
 

#8

"Like cannon balling from the high dive into a pool of sour strawberry Jolly Rancher Crystal Light."
(On Vincent Thomas Domaine De La Chappe's "Thomas")
 

#7

"Tastes like an alpine forest party directed by Richard Linklater drenched in lemonade."
(On Furlani "Alpino" frizzante)
 

#6

"It's so easy and fun, I want to fight with it, in the same way you want to fight with a grade school crush. I want to push its buttons, because it's pushing mine." 
(On Vincent Thomas Domaine De La Chappe's "Andre")
 

#5

"These wines drink like Tchaikovsky waltzes and are as mesmerizing as the first fifteen minutes of a great ballet (and nothing like the other two hours & five minutes of ~any~ ballet when you're totally asleep)." 
(On Claude & Etienne Courtois' wines)
 

#4

"Smells like the all sprinklers just went off at dusk in late July across an entire neighborhood; lawns of peppered strawberry and blackberry, wet sidewalks wafting. And it tastes like a spiced raspberry juice hot tub with the acidic shock of a peer-pressured dive into the pool."
(On Pithon-Paillé ‘Grololo’ Grolleau)
 

#3

"Tastes like Kendrick’s “The Spiteful Chant” with notes of 2 Chainz’ “Watch Out” and middle fingers in the air." 
(On Vini Conestabile rosé vermouth)
 

#2

"Tastes like you just won a Hawaiian vacation from K-Earth 101 and decided to get naked on the beach with a tropical fruit basket."
(On Lucy Margaux “Wildman Blanc")
 

#1

"It has this intensely flirtatious energy to it, like you've teasing back & forth with someone all afternoon and then they pull you in close by your belt-loops & you don't know if you're going to makeout or explode, but it's most definitely both. Honestly? I could jerk off to this wine."
(On Laurent Saillard Pop Cabernet Franc Pineau d'Aunis)

 

Cheers!