If Sex and the City Took Place in 2018
In June of 1998, we were introduced to the women of the iconic HBO series, Sex and the City. We watched as Carrie, Samantha, Charlotte and Miranda navigated friendships, relationships, jobs, and life in their beloved Manhattan. And we couldn’t help but wonder…what situations would the fab four find themselves in if the show aired in 2018?
- Charlotte takes a Buzzfeed quiz that reveals she was a snow leopard in a previous life. She goes to visit the snow leopards at the Central Park Zoo and feels a connection.
- Carrie sends Big a Netflix and chill text. An hour later, Big texts back, “K.” Carrie thinks he wants to break-up. Big says, “It was just a K, not a declaration of war.” Carrie says he could at least send an emoji and shows him how to use the emoji keyboard. Big drives Carrie crazy texting long, nonsensical emoji chains.
- Samantha dates a Hemsworth but finds out too late it’s the wrong Hemsworth.
- Carrie stays with Big while AirBNB-ing her apartment to pay for her new Gucci ankle boots. The renters steal her pair of Gucci ankle boots.
- Samantha goes to L.A. for business and meets a producer for The Bachelor at a bar. After a few drinks, she pitches herself to be the next Bachelorette and he laughs, saying it’s not the Geriatric Bachelorette. Samantha is livid. She flashes her boobs to the entire bar to prove she’s hot and gets escorted out by security.
- Miranda is convinced her Amazon Echo hates her. “She judges me for putting condoms on my shopping list!”
- Charlotte starts dating a handsome, sophisticated art critic for the New York Times, convinced he’s the one. After three dates, he texts her a dick pic. At lunch, she shows it to the other girls, who all say for a dick pic, it’s a pretty good one. Charlotte is horrified and breaks up with him.
- Carrie accidentally emails her editor her Game of Thrones fanfiction instead of her column. The editor writes back, “Not your usual work, but I totally ship Jon Snow and the Mother of Dragons.”
- Samantha makes a plan for everyone to attend the Women’s March but can’t decide which issue they should support. Miranda says she can’t participate in a march that doesn’t have a clear message, saying, “I know it’s about women but what about women? We’re more than some slogan on a poster board.” Carrie works on her next column writing, “I couldn’t help but wonder, have we over-issued ourselves to the point where we no longer support anything at all?”
- Carrie becomes friends with Chrissy Teigen after meeting her at a nail salon. Chrissy offers to teach her how to make tamales and posts a video of them on Instagram. Someone comments “Looks like it’s blondie’s first time in a kitchen” and Carrie has a meltdown. “I have a troll,” she shrieks. The girls ask her for tickets to the John Legend show.
- At Crossfit, Miranda runs into Gregory, a Tinder date that went sour. When she tries to jump onto the plyometric box, she misses and kicks it into Gregory’s face, breaking his nose. He sues her for damages, saying he’s a model and she ruined his career. The case gets dropped when Miranda discovers he’s a hand model.
- Charlotte meets Lin-Manuel Miranda at a Hamilton-themed benefit for immigrants and becomes obsessed with social justice. She judges the other girls for not being “woke” about DACA and the DREAMers. Samantha suggests they get a round of DACA-ri’s.
- Samantha gets an Uber and the driver is hot. They end up doing it in a parking garage, making her late to meet the girls for lunch. And the sex wasn’t even that good! She gives the driver two stars.
- Charlotte does the Ketogenic diet and loses 2 inches from her right thigh but zero inches from her left. Her lopsided thighs totally throw off her tennis game.
- Charlotte befriends Real Housewife personality, Luann de Lesseps, but refuses to be on camera for the show. Luann calls to question her about it and Charlotte admits she thinks the show is trashy. Luann records the phone call and it airs on the show, humiliating Charlotte. Samantha chides her saying, “Honey, everyone knows Luann is Manhattan’s biggest trainwreck. If you want to get to know a housewife, let me introduce you to my good friend Bethenny.”
- The girls are inspired by the #metoo movement and each decide to donate money to the cause. Charlotte wears a #metoo t-shirt to the coffee shop for lunch, where they run into Seth, a guy Charlotte went on one date with months ago. He turns his nose up at her t-shirt, saying it’s a bandwagon issue and most women aren’t even telling the truth, they just want to ruin men’s lives. Samantha stands up and gets in his face, shouting, “Honey, listen up and listen good. I believe women. I believe them when they say they’ve been harassed, abused, assaulted, harangued and hassled. I believe them when they say they did all the work, but a man took the credit. I believe them when they say they’re owed a raise for doing an exceptional job. I believe women. Just like I believed Charlotte when she said you were a limp-dicked, nose-picker with bad breath. Because, I! Believe! Women!” Everyone in the coffee shop applauds.
JoAnna Illingworth is equal parts writer and fangirl. Follow her on Twitter @glamorousjo